Picture This!!

A child arrives at the ER "sucking on a pacemaker."

Patient with "wrist or elbow joints of the lower extremities."

Fuzzy Logic

One patient's pulse oximetry was "98 at room temperature" ... breathing like a fine wine?

Another couldn't recall "how long she has been having memory difficulties" ....

Lessons in Anatomy

A man with a history of prostate cancer was "status post bilateral oophorectomy" ... oops ... got the "o" and the "ectomy" right, but a little problem with what's in between.

Another patient's abdomen was reportedly within normal limits "without liver, kidney or masses" ... wouldn't a normal abdomen have kidneys and a liver?

And finally, a young woman was sometimes experiencing "high-pitched ringing in her nose" ... wonder if it was pierced.

You MUST proofread!

If you don't, you could end up sending in a report that says:

"The patient is quick to lose his temperature" [temper]
"The patient is a high school stud" [student]
"The lungs were clear with good bowel sounds" [breath sounds]

Have you all requested those copies of your own medical records yet? :-)

For ladies only

How amazing is this?? Not only was a patient "20 at the time of her birth," she also has 28-day periods without PMS." Another female patient underwent a "cystoprostatectomy" (I'm sure she had a bladder to remove, but a prostate?). Another woman is "the mother of two, recently retired" (who's watching the kids?).

I'm just typing what he says ...

The patient was discharged to home "to carry on with her own affairs." That wasn't the same patient who unfortunately had a lung tumor in the "upper left lower lobe," nor was it the woman who was "well-appearing in her wheelchair with her son in no distress." One patient arrived at the ER via "emergency transportation guy," and this one will surely give you a headache: "It can be elicited by taking his eyes and suddenly turning them from side to side."

Remember to mute ...

Sadly, those dictators who do forget that someone is actually going to listen to what's being dictated into the phone also forget that the phone picks up background noise ... like flushing toilets, running water (at least, we think it was water), the fight he's having with his mistress and finally, the screaming children. Oh - let's not forget the surgeon who dictates a valve replacement procedure on his way to the office ... on his cell phone ... driving in his convertible, but the best is a surgery resident overheard asking, "What do they call that thing they put in there to hold the uterus?"