I'm just typing what he says ...

The patient was discharged to home "to carry on with her own affairs." That wasn't the same patient who unfortunately had a lung tumor in the "upper left lower lobe," nor was it the woman who was "well-appearing in her wheelchair with her son in no distress." One patient arrived at the ER via "emergency transportation guy," and this one will surely give you a headache: "It can be elicited by taking his eyes and suddenly turning them from side to side."

Remember to mute ...

Sadly, those dictators who do forget that someone is actually going to listen to what's being dictated into the phone also forget that the phone picks up background noise ... like flushing toilets, running water (at least, we think it was water), the fight he's having with his mistress and finally, the screaming children. Oh - let's not forget the surgeon who dictates a valve replacement procedure on his way to the office ... on his cell phone ... driving in his convertible, but the best is a surgery resident overheard asking, "What do they call that thing they put in there to hold the uterus?"

We MTs are not perfect

These bloopers resulted not from careless dictators but from careless transcriptionists who either had their minds on something completely unrelated or were using abbreviation expander programs and not proofreading:

One report listed a medication as "Toprol extra large" (the med is actually Toprol XL, but the MT had XL set to expand to "extra large"). Then there's the patient who is "a retarded Army general" (I'm sure the dictator said "retired"). One MT who does obviously proofread fortunately caught her own error before the report went back to the hospital, typing that the patient had been in the "Peace Corpse."

Hope you're all having a happy 2007!

Tickle me MT

There once was a man who "had constipation, but it passed" (we hope so ... ). Another gentleman was "accompanied alone to the clinic" (imaginary friend, maybe ... if so, hopefully it was a psychiatric clinic). How about the newborn baby who was "sent home with mom in the infant car seat" (guess dad was driving).

Yep ... they really said it.

Somewhere out there is a patient who "was walking and was beaten up by a golf club." Another "had anonymous sex with someone they didn't know." And finally, one gentleman was instructed by his physician to "drink half the amount that he voided from his Foley catheter." (For anyone not aware, a Foley catheter is what's inserted into your bladder when you can't ... uh ... pee).

I'm not kidding ... smile!

He said WHAT?!?

This is one of my personal favorites! For a little background, when a patient is admitted to a hopsital, his/her chart must contain what's commonly referred to as an "H&P," standing for "History & Physical." In addition, for patients who have been in the hospital for more than 48 hours, a report called a "Discharge Summary" must be dictated. Because the discharge summary is a recap of the patient's hospital stay, it's not uncommon for the dictator to read parts of the H&P into his/her dictation. Why re-invent the wheel, right?

One night I was working late and transcribing a discharge summary being dictated by a resident, one with a thick accent who clearly wasn't a US native. He was starting the physical exam portion of the report and giving the patient's vital signs upon admission. He got to the weight and said, "The patient weighs 165 'elbees.'" I didn't have a CLUE what this man was saying, so I listened a few more times. Upon recognition, I pulled off my earphones and threw them into the air, knowing it was time to quit for the night. I realized he was reading the patient's H&P which undoubtedly read: 165 lbs.

How many 'elbees' do YOU weigh?

Time for some comic relief!

Dictators can say some pretty funny things from time to time, and yes ... MTs can interpret what they *think* they hear in a pretty funny way sometimes too. I've even had a few physicians share a joke at the end of their report and another play a song for me. Some of them recognize that there really is a real live person on the other end of that phone. Okay, okay ... in the case of speech recognition, it could be a "machine" on the other end of the line, but we'll save that for another discussion. For now let's have some laughs!

#7 - Your Own Business (Part 3)

I've allowed plenty of time to consider some of the negative aspects of having your own service (admittedly more time than I had planned ... sorry). Let's talk about the positives for a bit.

Price - you get to set it! You determine what your services are worth. Granted, you can price yourself right out of the market if you're not careful. Be fair, both to yourself and your clients, and you should enjoy a healthy business.

Working Hours - you set them! You let your clients know when you're available, and they can work around you instead of vice versa. Again, as with price - be fair. The advantage here is that you can turn down business that doesn't fit your mold. If a physician dictates heavily on Fridays (or even sees patients on Saturdays), wants the reports back first thing Monday morning, and you don't work weekends, you can walk away from that business.

Satisfaction - an enormous amount comes from reaching one's goal. You can do it!